Everyone will go through trauma in their life. But here is the thing, trauma looks different for everybody. The circumstance of how trauma is presented in your life isn't what I want to focus on, personally I believe the big part of trauma is how it affects you. I used to down play what had happened to me in the past, because I would compare it to other peoples trauma and didn't think mine was severe enough to gain that title.
When I started back at counseling, my past was referred to as trauma. And let me tell you, things began to click. Realizing what trauma is, and allowing myself to know that I went through trauma, gave me to permission to validate it as such. It gave me the perspective that I did in fact go through trauma, it was there, it was real, there was no reason to down play it, the only thing to do now was to process through it.
Trauma can not be compared. The reason why I do not want to focus on where your trauma came from is because the actual reason you went through trauma is very minimal through processing it. Rather, it is about how it affected you, how it changed you, how you went on with life after the trauma happened.
Once I stopped comparing my trauma and minimizing it, I was finally able to dig deep. My back trauma taught me to shut down, it taught me to fight in the dark rather than having people understand me. It seemed too exhausting to build relationships because I had to focus on my pain. It lead me into suppressing my feelings because I did not want to feel emotional pain when I already had to deal with my physical pain. It showed me I would never be normal and be able to live a normal life, my life would always be an uphill battle.
My emotionally abusive relationship showed me not to let anyone too close to me. It reprogrammed my brain to think love meant control and ownership. I viewed marriage as something I did not want to get into because the unity of two people would mean I would be owned, stuck and their life and happiness would depend on me. I decided I didn't want anyone to know the true me, I did not want to show my feelings because that would give someone the opportunity to use it against me.
If I did not go back to counseling, if I did not address my trauma's, I would have carried these beliefs with me for rest of my life. I now know that I do not want to live a normal life! I am meant to live a life to inspire others, to adapt through my obstacles and to create a better me! I am learning to show my emotions and ask for help rather than suffering in the loneliness of silence. I now know that feeling emotions allow you to truly live life and be in the moment. I now am able to be damn fucking excited to marry Eric! I truly did not know I would be able to get to a point of feeling safe and having faith in a marriage, hence why I made him wait 5 years to propose. LOL bless his heart to ride this journey with me.
I realized these past thoughts were gained from my trauma, not from me. I now know I get to decide my beliefs; my pain, my past and my trauma do not get to determine them. I processed my trauma's to be able to live my life to the fullest. I am not scared to say I went through trauma. I know my struggles are valid. I also know they were meant for me to grow into the human I am today.
Own your trauma, boo!