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Unintentional Growth

I went through a lot of unintentional growth this last year. After a few years back into counseling I was finally learning who Mariah was, I filled my days with self care practices and mastered slow, intentional living. Until I didn’t.

We got engaged, decided to plan our wedding ourselves, sold our first home and moved into our second fixer upper. My energy was pulled in a million different directions all while my safe space was gone, or so what I thought.

My home has always been my safe space, however it was so easy for me to forget how much my space means to me and how it is connected with my mental health. In the transition of making our new house our home, my mental health tanked, along with regular seasonal depression I felt very out of it. This is where I started “shoulding” all over myself, something we are all so good at. I had so much to be happy about, this was an exciting year for us, so why the hell do I feel so shitty?

Looking back now it makes TOTAL sense why I felt that way! My life was changing in a lot of different aspects. Although these were happy and exciting changes- they were still change. And change makes us uncomfortable. But, this is where growth comes in.

Throughout this I was very frustrated with myself. I’ve been rocking the fuck out of counseling. My mental health was doing so well. I had finally quit dissociating and I was able to communicate my emotions with others and be in the moment to feel them as they came up. I was growing and becoming all that Mariah was. I could be still in moments and be present. I had joy.

But through these changes came a serious toll on that. I felt off. I felt stressed. I hated the stillness. I didn’t know where I belonged. I didn’t understand why my emotions were the way they were. I wasn’t content. I was often very overwhelmed and high anxiety.

I’ve been feeling like myself again. I’m slowly getting back to my more balanced mental health state. It seems like the “one step forward two steps back” type of deal. This quote always sounded icky and negative but I’m seeing it to be more of a realistic growth quote.

When we have habits or a lifestyle, it’s going to take a while to change and grow away from it. Your body and mind are used to that routine, it’s comfortable to us. Even when we choose to want something different our body will still need time to adjust. As I continue to have glimpses of feeling back to myself I still remind myself to give grace when I go back into my negative headspace’s. It’ll take time. The steps forward will continue to grow and the steps back will slowly diminish.

Growth takes time. Learning, adapting and evolving is never ending, we’re always improving and there will always be obstacles to get through. But that’s where the magic happens. That’s when we are given the opportunity to see what parts of our lives may need more work, love and attention. What aspects need more growth. Where you can come out stronger than before.

It’s those lessons that make us the incredible humans we are. If you’re going through a hard time I encourage you take a deep breath, know that you are strong and capable to get through it and when you’re ready, find the magical hidden lesson it brought you.

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