Designing the life I want to live has been in the back of my head for years. It began as a superficial meaning; designing my home, my business, my appearance, which don't get me wrong, it still motivated me. Recently, however, it changed to my true life purpose. Designing the life I want to live means to design every aspect of my life, my soul, my spirit, my purpose. We are always told we have the power to do anything, but sometimes that seems very far fetched. I never thought I could get over my past traumas- remember, I originally would have opted for erasing my memory because I truly thought that was the only option with how messed up my head was. Now, I know you don't " get over" your past, you process it, you grieve it, and you grow from it. So if you would rather not use the cliché saying of "you can do anything," I get it, but guess what- you can!
Once I got a glimpse of designing my life from the inside out, I couldn't quit! (yeah you could argue that I got sucked into another project, which I said is my escape from feelings but hey, this project was about feelings so it balances out, right?) To be clear, I didn't go from one day, all of a sudden being able to feel and do emotions. No, not at all, honestly I still am not very good at emotions. I legit cried while expressing my feelings for the first time a few weeks ago- yes that's how emotionally constipated I am! I am beyond thankful for my counselor, because she understood that. She knew we had to start at the very beginning and learn how to simply feel my emotions before we got into the deep shit. My homework was to watch the movie Inside Out, yes, the chidlren's movie, which by the way, almost killed me because I absolutely hate cartoons, but I was determined to do whatever I could for my mental health, so cartoon movie it was! Guys, I am not kidding when I say this CARTOON MOVIE gave me the epiphany I needed. I finally understood that I need to feel the sadness from my past in order to feel joy, happiness and love.
Remember in my previous blog, how I said I truly thought I was just a badass who didn't need emotions. Well, turns out that badass kind of fucked herself. The day I turned off my emotions, I also turned off the ability to grieve and process my traumas, I turned off the ability to know who I am, I turned off the ability to accept the love from people around me. But, y'all, it has been a blast seeing that all turn back on! I am finding out who I am, what I love, and what brings me joy! I am able to be proud of the the things I went through because it has made me an amazing woman, who is driven to share my story in hopes to help others.
When was the last time you sat with your emotions? If its been a while, I feel you! But, I also encourage you to try it! Take a second and check in with yourself, explore all the feelings you feel in that moment. Whether you are feeling happy, stressed, angry, grateful, I invite you to truly feel it. When you are done acknowledging it, does it feel any different?
I want to thank you all for the amazing support you've shown with our first blog post. It truly makes my heart so happy to see you all engage with it and even relate to it. To those of you who reached out personally to tell me you are struggling with mental health as well- I see you and I am here for you! Together we can build a community of true badasses, who aren't afraid to express and feel their emotions, and thrive to support each other in their own journey. Until next time, lovelies.