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My designed life

Hello, and thank you for coming to check out my first blog post! This last year has been quite a journey for me, and I am sure many of you can relate. We were forced to slow down and have time to ourselves, and let me tell you, that used to be one of my biggest fears- to slow down, be and feel.

So let me tell you a little about my self. I was diagnosed with a chronic back condition when I was 13 years old. Chronic pain, especially being young, came with a boat load of depression and anxiety. My young teenage mind didn't want to accept that I was depressed, because feelings were yucky and oh my gosh, no one wanted to talk about the word depression (I will forever be grateful for social media platforms for opening the dialogue for mental illness). Although I was doing all the things I was "supposed" to be doing, meds and counseling, I was very good at blocking out all emotions, later finding out I was very good at disassociating (Dissociation is a break in how your mind handles information. You may feel disconnected from your thoughts, feelings, memories, and surroundings. It can affect your sense of identity and your perception of time).

My mindset was, I'm one bad ass bitch that didn't need to feel feelings, because who the hell would want to do that. I designed everything that I could; my business, my house, my appearance, until one day a year and a half ago, I was laid up after my 5th back surgery and time stood still. There was nothing I could design and I felt. I felt feelings, and I did not like it. I so badly wanted to escape into another project, but being laid up I had nothing to do besides feel. 10.5 years, with no feeling, I mastered the skill of dissociation, but without sadness and pain I wasn't able to feel joy, happiness and love. & here is where my true journey starts.

I decided myself, that I was ready to do counseling, for me. If there was a way to just erase my brain I probably would have opted for that route but unfortunately I couldn't find that, so the next best option was to deal with my shit. I went to the first counselor who specialized in chronic pain and depression and I walked out there thinking what the fuck did I get myself into. She nodded her head until I spoke (which duh I am not good at talking about emotions that is why I am here), and made assumptions about my pain and mental health, (huge no no for me). But thankfully I did not give up, even though I REALLY wanted to. I found another lady who also specialized in those two fields along with practicing EMDR, which sounds hella cool because it helps people with trauma by allowing the natural healing powers of your brain to fire using body sensations. So what I took from that, is they can pretty much do the work for me. LOL I was wrong, but hey it got me there! You have to find a counselor that speaks to you and your soul. After my counselor dropped a few f bombs in our first session I knew we were meant to be!

Counseling helped me be me, for the first time I could feel who I was, what I love, and I was finally ready to start designing the life I want to live. The more I design my life the more I am inspired to share my story in hopes to inspire others to design their life for them, because I truly believe we all have the power to design our lives exactly how they are meant to be.

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